FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT

17th December 2024 Edition

 ARAB LEAGUE OF NATIONS & OIC ONE STEP AWAY FROM DECLARING WAR ON ISRAEL FOR ITS GENOCIDAL WAR IN GAZA

Kuala Lumpur, Tues:- The Arab League Of Nations, a grouping of 22 Arab states, and the Organization Of Islamic Cooperation, a grouping of 57 countries of which 48 are Muslim-majority countries, are one step away from declaring war on Israel for its genocidal war in Gaza which has killed upwards of 45,000 Palestinians, mostly women, children and elderly people, according to a spokesperson with insider knowledge, speaking on condition of anonymity.

  "The talk is to send a large military force by air, sea and land incursions in order to, in the words of Malaysia's representative, who asked to be identified as H.P.M.I., an acronym for Hidup Palestine! Mampus Israel!, loosely translated as Palestine Forever! Death To Israel!, cleanse the land of invaders from the river to the sea," he explained.

   When asked if such an action would not amount to what the Arab-Moslem world was accusing the Israelis of, i.e. genocide, or ethnic cleansing, his response was it would not especially if it was done in the name of Allah and the Prophet, s.a.w., in which case it would amount to jihad, part and parcel of their holy war, nothing more.

   "My old man, may his soul rest in peace, used to say," he continued, "we Moslems have a license to kill if we do it in the name of Allah and the Prophet, s.a.w., but the Jews, yes, especially the Jews, no, they cannot; they have no right, unless they convert of course, followed by his characteristically sheepish chuckle," he concluded.

As to the sticking point, that which was holding up all parties from a unanimous decision in favor of the motion, which was championed by Malaysia, currently host nation of the OIC, it was rumored to be the peace accord both Jordan and Egypt had with the rogue state that was in the way, but it was also rumored that the host nation's proposal that the motion be passed on the weight of a majority vote of 70 percent in favor was about to be passed without objection.

 

 

                      FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT

11th August 2024 Edition

RUSSIA'S PRESIDENT MAKES TRAVEL PLANS AMIDST BORDER INCURSION BY UKRAINE GROUND FORCES

Moscow, Sunday:- It was rumored that Russia's panicky president was seen packing his bags for a trip to safer pastures. Officially, his office will be calling it an official state visit to somewhere yet undecided but friendly and safe where he might also decide to take a long-neglected break from official state duties for an undisclosed amount of time. "So, Mister President," a Kremlin FSB-cleared Press Room reporter was heard to say, with a not very convincing heavy Russian accent, "is it true that you will be leaving the motherland at such a critical time as this for your own safety as alleged by your jailed critics?" "Nyet, nyet, of course not," came the reply, "Russia has interests elsewhere more important than border skirmishes south-west of here," he continued, "At the same time, for national security purposes, you will give this man standing beside me your name and whom you work for. Press briefing is hereby adjourned. Spasiba."

                      FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT

1st August 2024 Edition

ISMAIL HANIYEH FINALLY GETS HIS 72 VIRGINS AFTER LONG WAIT

Teheran, Thursday:- Ismail Haniyeh, political chief and party chairman of Hamas, finally gets his 72 virgins in paradise after a long wait, departing from earth from the scene of an assassination attempt, apparently a successful one, on his life in his own home in Teheran yesterday, hours after attending the inauguration ceremony of Iran's new president.
   Apart from 72 virgins, eternal erections and the sexual strength of a hundred men as promised by Allah from his mouth to Gabriel's to Muhammad's, Islam's revered prophet, for martyrdom in the name of Allah, Ismail Haniyeh now joins the ranks of the countless millions of martyrs enjoying their rewards for Islamic martyrdom in paradise, among whom were three of his own sons, martyred in Gaza by courtesy of the enemy, reviled instead of appreciated for their role, although unsought, in facilitating the journey from earth to paradise.
   It was reported that Ismail Haniyeh was also in line to receive the Martyr's Award For Leadership & Gallantry in paradise for his outstanding services on earth, although this report could not be validated at the time of publication.

 FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT

16th June 2024 Edition

BDS INTERNATIONAL SEEKS HELP FROM THE POPE AND THE CHURCH OF ENGLAND FOR A WORLDWIDE BOYCOTT OF CHRISTMAS FOR OBVIOUS REASONS

Vatican City, Sunday:- BDS International has a new target - the Vatican City, where the head of the Catholic Church resides and rules his domain from, and Buckingham Palace, where the head of the Church of England resides and rules his domain from.

BDS Intenational wants them to issue a worldwide ruling calling for Christmas to be boycotted as it commemorates the birth of Jesus, a descendant of David and a Jew, and distracts from their goal of having the eyes of the world focused on Gaza shift to Bethlehem, Nazareth, Jerusalem and the other places Jesus was associated with.

Also on their Boycott Israel list are Christmas carols mentioning Israel by name as in the case of one such example where reference was made to the birth of a king of Israel.

While no updates on the progress of their latest endeavor have been reported, we wish them the best of luck and success.

  FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT

26th May 2024 Edition

U.S. CONGRESS ADVISES AMERICAN MULTINATIONAL COMPANIES IN MALAYSIA TO RELOCATE FOR FEAR CORPORATE TAX RINGGIT MIGHT POSSIBLY BE USED TO INDIRCTEDLY FUND TERRORIST ORGANIZATIONS AT WAR WITH ISRAEL

Washington, Sunday:- Special Committee On Terrorism & Terrorist Organizations spokesperson, Gimme Yor-Ears, said in a press conference at the White House today that Congress was in the process of tabling an advisory, in view of being passed into law, for all American multinational corporations in Malaysia to relocate their operations, lock, stock and barrel, to other countries in the region where operating costs were competitive in comparison out of fear their corporate tax ringgit would quite possibly be used to fund terrorist groups and militias in the Middle East or elsewhere in their fight against Israel.

   Malaysia, after all, has publicly announced its support for Hamas, and it is a well-known fact that Malaysia sends humanitarian aid by the shipload directly as well as indirectly with the help of NGOs, UNRWA and the like, and just as Gaza health ministry death toll figures did not discriminate between armed militants and civilians, neither did humanitarian aid deliveries discriminate between civilians and armed militants, she went on to say.

   It was also a well-known fact that humanitarian aid could either be in cash or in kind, and that was where Congress' main concern was, as cash for weapons through backdoor channels from South-East Asia to Iran and from there to Hamas in Gaza and the West Bank, Islamic Jihad in Gaza and the West Bank, Hezbollah in Lebanon, the Houthis in Yemen and so on was a very real possibility, if not already a reality, she added.

   The advisory being tabled by Congress in view of being passed into law, she continued, would include an ultimatum, a grace period of three years by which time relocation was expected to have been completed, failing which firmer action would be taken such as the imposition of sanctions, the revoking of import-export licenses and so on, if warranted.

   In reply to a related question from the press corps members, she said she was confident that all American multinational corporations in Malaysia would agree unconditionally to the terms of the relocation advisory currently being tabled in view of being passed into law as "we Americans," she said, with her head held high, "like our Jewish brothers and sisters, always did the right thing."

   A look at the press briefings handed out listed the names of the affected American multinational companies in Malaysia, close to three hundred in number, among them being Meta, Boeing, Levi Strauss, AMD Micro Devices, Dell, Flextronics, Johnson & Johnson, Amazon, Cisco, Google, Hewlett Packard, Pfizer, Philip Morris, Pepsico, Western Digital, 3M, Coca-Cola, Chevron, UPS, Visa, Starbucks, Citibank, DuPont, Ernst & Young, American Express, Amway, Cargill, Clorox, Microsoft, Molex, Procter & Gamble, Texas Instruments, Agilent Technologies, Boston Scientific Medical Device and Honeywell to name a few.

 FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT

21st December 2023 Edition

MALAYSIAN BAN ON ISRAELI-FLAGGED ISRAEL-BOUND CARGO VESSELS DOCKING IN MALAYSIAN PORTS WELCOMED BY RIGHTS GROUPS BUT WHAT GAZA NEEDS IS MORE THAN TOUGH-TALKING COWBOYS SAYS COALITION FOR BETTER TREATMENT OF THE PALESTINIAN PEOPLE

Doha, Thursday:- Malaysia's recently-imposed ban on Israel-bound Israeli-flagged cargo vessels docking at its ports was welcomed by Rights groups around the world but it wasn't enough according to Doha-based Coalition For The Better Treatment Of The Palestinian People.

"The hearts of our Malaysian brothers, and sisters too of course, are in the right place, and we welcome this ban on all Occupation-bound Occupation-flagged cargo vessels docking at Malaysian ports, but this is not enough. What Gaza really needs in this war against the evil forces of the Occupation are bigger guns, bigger rockets, and supporters from outside its borders with bigger b*lls," said its press liaison officer, speaking on condition of anonymity.

"Imposing a blockade on shipping is certainly helpful as it f*cks up the enemy's flow of incoming war supplies and materiel who knows they might be smuggling in with the other cargo, but wars are won by the side wielding the bigger stick, everyone knows that," he went on to say, without apologizing for his crude gutter-style language.

"If Palestine-friendly-Occupation-hostile countries like Malaysia are desirous about seeing Gaza win this war, send us, my apologies, I have been known to get carried away at times, I mean, send Gaza your surplus MIG-29s, your surplus PT-91 main battle tanks and to hell with Poland, where you got them from, your surplus Korean-made K-200 infantry fighting vehicles and your surplus French-made LG Mk III 105 mm howitzers and to hell with France so that we, my apologies again, so that Gaza can win this war, or at least fight it on an equal footing," he added.

When asked how Malaysia and other Palestine-friendly countries might achieve such a feat without risking sanctions, embargoes, diplomatic recalls and the like, he said, "I leave that part to their export department experts, figuring it out, but if they really want to help, send guns, not grain, send bombs, not bandages, send mercenaries, not medics," he said, this time not bothered about betraying his true affiliations or whose war it was that was being fought in Gaza, Gaza's or his as well. 

"Be it that their intentions might be good, as were their hearts,
but what Gaza needs from Palestine-friendly neighbors from near or far, in conclusion, is tough action, not tough talk from cowboys in business suits, and no disrespect intended," he finally said.

FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT

21st November 2023 Edition

AL JAZEERA CLAIMS IDF CCTV FOOTAGE OF HAMAS PRESENCE IN SHIFA HOSPITAL ACTUALLY FILMED ON MOVIE SET IN TEL AVIV WITH ARAB LOOKALIKE GUNMEN & FOREIGN HOSTAGES

Doha, Tuesday:- Al Jazeera has dismissed an IDF video purporting to show CCTV footage of Hamas gunmen and hostages inside Shifa hospital on the day of the October 7th attack as being staged and malicious, intended to discredit Hamas's denial of using civilians as human shields.

"It is obvious the Israelis filmed it on set in a movie studio in Tel Aviv with actors posing as Arab gunmen and foreign hostages in an effort to discredit Hamas," said an Al Jazeera spokeswoman who declined to be named.

Word from Hamas representatives who were approached for comment has yet to be received at the time of publication.