FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT                                                               10th October 2026 Edition

 BUDGET 2027: MALAYSIA ALLOCATES RM100B TO FIGHT TRAFFIC CONGESTION BY FOLLOWING CHINA'S & SINGAPORE'S EXAMPLE IN MAKING CAR OWNERSHIP COSTLY & PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION THE BETTER CHOICE

Kuala Lumpur, Saturday:- Malaysia is set to begin implementing in stages a traffic congestion reduction masterplan, the brainchild of the transport minister which was vetted and approved unanimously by Parliament during its last pre-budget sitting recently.

   In his Budget 2027 speech televised live nationwide yesterday, the finance minister announced that RM100B would be allocated for the construction of a suburb-industrial-zone-city-center inter-connected underground subway as well as overhead light rail transit system in all affected states where millions of people commute to work in nightmarish traffic conditions on a daily basis, resulting in high accident rates, flared tempers and people always late for work.

   Building more roads and elevated expressways, he said, is self-defeating as new roads invites new cars and other vehicles in addition to the millions already on the road.

   As everyone knows, buying and owning a car is as easy as buying a packet of cigarettes from a vending machine these days, he went on, much to the dismay of the health minister as betrayed by the look on her face, and we now have no choice but to make it a bit harder for people to do so as we are close to running out of land on which to build new roads, which is self-defeating in any case as already mentioned, he continued, which wasn't entirely true in relation to the country's vast tracts of virgin forests and undeveloped regions.

   To offset this bit of inconvenience, said the minister, we will be offering those affected by the sky-high car ownership permit costs we will be introducing as well as the road using restrictions and limitations in city as well as in industrial zones, such as you'll find successfully implemented and enforced in China and Singapore, both affordable and super-efficient commuter shuttles and trains in suburb-city-center-industrial-zone interconnected subway-overhead rail transit systems, he added.

   Today, he said, we have more than 26 million active, or road legal, vehicles, of which about 16 million are cars and about 9.5 million are motorcycles, all elbowing each other with other vehicles, buses, vans, lorries, trailers, tankers, cement trucks, the odd forklift, crane or sky-lift, for limited road space.

   Tomorrow, he went on, according to our Google AI-assisted projections, at the rate of about 1.5 million new vehicle registrations per year,  we'll be looking at a total of about 35 million active vehicles in 10 years, about 44 million active vehicles in 20 years and about 50 million active vehicles in 30 years, double the traffic congested conditions we have today, more or less, he continued.

   Heaven help us all if we do not do now what we should have done years ago, he concluded.

 

   

           FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT

10th October 2026 Edition

ISRAEL TO BEGIN SURGICAL GENITAL REMOVAL OF ALL DEAD JIHADISTS TO DENY THEM THEIR SEXUAL REWARDS IN PARADISE

Jerusalem, Saturday:- In commemoration of Oct 7, Israel has vowed to begin implementing surgical removal of the genitals of all dead jihadists on the battlefield or anywhere else so as to deny them their sexual rewards as promised them in paradise, an act that would render their heroic deeds of sacrifice and martyrdom meaningless and make their deaths appear to have been in vain.

   Martyrdom is the highest aspiration for a jihadist and 72 virgins are his reward in paradise according to popular jihadi belief.

   As for dead female jihadis, their punishment will be surgical removal of their breasts, an act that would make them unattractive and repulsive to their husbands in paradise.

   In other news, Israelis gathered in somber mood across the scarred nation as the Sabbath, or Shabbat, began as the sun went down as commanded by Moses some three thousand or so years ago.

   

FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT

23rd Sept 2026 Edition

MYSTERIOUS AFFLICTION BELIEVED TO BE BIBLICALLY LINKED FINALLY IDENTIFIED

   Jerusalem, Wed.:- The mysterious but deadly affliction believed to be biblically linked that continues to ravage millions across the globe has finally been identified, pending official verification and attestation by medical authorities.

   According to Moshe Avner Levi, the Chief Rabbi of Jerusalem, the mysterious but deadly affliction, characterized by painful mouth sores, madness and eventual heart rot or decay, following clinical studies, appears to have a direct biblical link whereby it is said that whoever blesses Israel would be blessed and whoever curses Israel would be cursed, clinical studies which also found a deeply rooted hatred for Jews worldwide including Israel in 99.99% of the patients in the study group.

   Furthermore, as pointed out by the Chief Rabbi of Jerusalem, everyone in the comparison group, mostly from countries or communities at peace or on good terms with Israel, was found to be healthy, wealthy, or both, and had nothing bad or critical to say about Israel or Jews worldwide.

   "I'm calling it," said the good rabbi, "the Whoever Curses Israel Affliction, or the WCIA illness for now, or until someone comes up with a better, or more scientific, name," he concluded.

   Unofficially, it went on to be referred to as the Whoever Curses Israel Is F**cked illness by popular demand in certain circles, both online as well as offline.

 FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT

20th September 2026 Edition

 MISS ISRAEL TO BE KICKED OUT OF MALAYSIA

Kuala Lumpur, Sunday:- Malaysia, first-time hosts of the prestigious Miss Universe 2030 beauty pageant, has detained Rachel Mordecai, 18, the reigning Miss Israel, who was arrested at the Miss Universe 2030 auditorium at the Continental Hotel during opening night rehearsals on charges of entering the country illegally.

According to a senior immigration official at the scene, Rachael Mordecai, representing Israel, had entered the country using an Argentinian passport, a dual passport holder tactic commonly employed by blacklisted nationals, or citizens of blacklisted countries, when attempting to enter the country illegally, or, in spoof lingo, under the radar.

She is scheduled to appear in court with her handler, spoof lingo for field liaison officer, who was arrested on the same night, and will together face charges for illegal entry and suspicion of being a spy for the Zionist entity, according to n unnamed official familiar with the matter.

For the record, Malaysia neither recognizes nor has diplomatic ties with Israel which it views as an invading entity illegally occupying sacred Arab land usurped from the people of Palestine by means of a seventy-year-long genocidal war. 

 FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT

 

17th December 2024 Edition

 ARAB LEAGUE OF NATIONS & OIC ONE STEP AWAY FROM DECLARING WAR ON ISRAEL FOR ITS GENOCIDAL WAR IN GAZA

Kuala Lumpur, Tues:- The Arab League Of Nations, a grouping of 22 Arab states, and the Organization Of Islamic Cooperation, a grouping of 57 countries of which 48 are Muslim-majority countries, are one step away from declaring war on Israel for its genocidal war in Gaza which has killed upwards of 45,000 Palestinians, mostly women, children and elderly people, according to a spokesperson with insider knowledge, speaking on condition of anonymity.

  "The talk is to send a large military force by air, sea and land incursions in order to, in the words of Malaysia's representative, who asked to be identified as H.P.M.I., an acronym for Hidup Palestine! Mampus Israel!, loosely translated as Palestine Forever! Death To Israel!, cleanse the land of invaders from the river to the sea," he explained.

   When asked if such an action would not amount to what the Arab-Moslem world was accusing the Israelis of, i.e. genocide, or ethnic cleansing, his response was it would not especially if it was done in the name of Allah and the Prophet, s.a.w., in which case it would amount to jihad, part and parcel of their holy war, nothing more.

   "My old man, may his soul rest in peace, used to say," he continued, "we Moslems have a license to kill if we do it in the name of Allah and the Prophet, s.a.w., but the Jews, yes, especially the Jews, no, they cannot; they have no right, unless they convert of course, followed by his characteristically sheepish chuckle," he concluded.

As to the sticking point, that which was holding up all parties from a unanimous decision in favor of the motion, which was championed by Malaysia, currently host nation of the OIC, it was rumored to be the peace accord both Jordan and Egypt had with the rogue state that was in the way, but it was also rumored that the host nation's proposal that the motion be passed on the weight of a majority vote of 70 percent in favor was about to be passed without objection.

 

 

                      FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT

11th August 2024 Edition

RUSSIA'S PRESIDENT MAKES TRAVEL PLANS AMIDST BORDER INCURSION BY UKRAINE GROUND FORCES

Moscow, Sunday:- It was rumored that Russia's panicky president was seen packing his bags for a trip to safer pastures. Officially, his office will be calling it an official state visit to somewhere yet undecided but friendly and safe where he might also decide to take a long-neglected break from official state duties for an undisclosed amount of time. "So, Mister President," a Kremlin FSB-cleared Press Room reporter was heard to say, with a not very convincing heavy Russian accent, "is it true that you will be leaving the motherland at such a critical time as this for your own safety as alleged by your jailed critics?" "Nyet, nyet, of course not," came the reply, "Russia has interests elsewhere more important than border skirmishes south-west of here," he continued, "At the same time, for national security purposes, you will give this man standing beside me your name and whom you work for. Press briefing is hereby adjourned. Spasiba."

                      FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT

1st August 2024 Edition

ISMAIL HANIYEH FINALLY GETS HIS 72 VIRGINS AFTER LONG WAIT

Teheran, Thursday:- Ismail Haniyeh, political chief and party chairman of Hamas, finally gets his 72 virgins in paradise after a long wait, departing from earth from the scene of an assassination attempt, apparently a successful one, on his life in his own home in Teheran yesterday, hours after attending the inauguration ceremony of Iran's new president.
   Apart from 72 virgins, eternal erections and the sexual strength of a hundred men as promised by Allah from his mouth to Gabriel's to Muhammad's, Islam's revered prophet, for martyrdom in the name of Allah, Ismail Haniyeh now joins the ranks of the countless millions of martyrs enjoying their rewards for Islamic martyrdom in paradise, among whom were three of his own sons, martyred in Gaza by courtesy of the enemy, reviled instead of appreciated for their role, although unsought, in facilitating the journey from earth to paradise.
   It was reported that Ismail Haniyeh was also in line to receive the Martyr's Award For Leadership & Gallantry in paradise for his outstanding services on earth, although this report could not be validated at the time of publication.