FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT

21st December 2023 Edition

MALAYSIAN BAN ON ISRAELI-FLAGGED ISRAEL-BOUND CARGO VESSELS DOCKING IN MALAYSIAN PORTS WELCOMED BY RIGHTS GROUPS BUT WHAT GAZA NEEDS IS MORE THAN TOUGH-TALKING COWBOYS SAYS COALITION FOR BETTER TREATMENT OF THE PALESTINIAN PEOPLE

Doha, Thursday:- Malaysia's recently-imposed ban on Israel-bound Israeli-flagged cargo vessels docking at its ports was welcomed by Rights groups around the world but it wasn't enough according to Doha-based Coalition For The Better Treatment Of The Palestinian People.

"The hearts of our Malaysian brothers, and sisters too of course, are in the right place, and we welcome this ban on all Occupation-bound Occupation-flagged cargo vessels docking at Malaysian ports, but this is not enough. What Gaza really needs in this war against the evil forces of the Occupation are bigger guns, bigger rockets, and supporters from outside its borders with bigger b*lls," said its press liaison officer, speaking on condition of anonymity.

"Imposing a blockade on shipping is certainly helpful as it f*cks up the enemy's flow of incoming war supplies and materiel who knows they might be smuggling in with the other cargo, but wars are won by the side wielding the bigger stick, everyone knows that," he went on to say, without apologizing for his crude gutter-style language.

"If Palestine-friendly-Occupation-hostile countries like Malaysia are desirous about seeing Gaza win this war, send us, my apologies, I have been known to get carried away at times, I mean, send Gaza your surplus MIG-29s, your surplus PT-91 main battle tanks and to hell with Poland, where you got them from, your surplus Korean-made K-200 infantry fighting vehicles and your surplus French-made LG Mk III 105 mm howitzers and to hell with France so that we, my apologies again, so that Gaza can win this war, or at least fight it on an equal footing," he added.

When asked how Malaysia and other Palestine-friendly countries might achieve such a feat without risking sanctions, embargoes, diplomatic recalls and the like, he said, "I leave that part to their export department experts, figuring it out, but if they really want to help, send guns, not grain, send bombs, not bandages, send mercenaries, not medics," he said, this time not bothered about betraying his true affiliations or whose war it was that was being fought in Gaza, Gaza's or his as well. 

"Be it that their intentions might be good, as were their hearts,
but what Gaza needs from Palestine-friendly neighbors from near or far, in conclusion, is tough action, not tough talk from cowboys in business suits, and no disrespect intended," he finally said.

FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT

21st November 2023 Edition

AL JAZEERA CLAIMS IDF CCTV FOOTAGE OF HAMAS PRESENCE IN SHIFA HOSPITAL ACTUALLY FILMED ON MOVIE SET IN TEL AVIV WITH ARAB LOOKALIKE GUNMEN & FOREIGN HOSTAGES

Doha, Tuesday:- Al Jazeera has dismissed an IDF video purporting to show CCTV footage of Hamas gunmen and hostages inside Shifa hospital on the day of the October 7th attack as being staged and malicious, intended to discredit Hamas's denial of using civilians as human shields.

"It is obvious the Israelis filmed it on set in a movie studio in Tel Aviv with actors posing as Arab gunmen and foreign hostages in an effort to discredit Hamas," said an Al Jazeera spokeswoman who declined to be named.

Word from Hamas representatives who were approached for comment has yet to be received at the time of publication.

  FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT

16th November 2023 Edition

HAMAS ISSUES FATWA BOYCOTTING ALL ISRAELI GOODS & SERVICES IN SOLIDARITY WITH INTERNATIONAL BOYCOTT ISRAEL MOVEMENT

Gaza City, Thursday:- Hamas has issued a fatwa, a directive governed by Islamic law, boycotting all Israeli goods and services with immediate effect.
   Speaking on condition of anonymity, a Hamas spokesman explained that the boycott covered all Israeli goods and services including water, electricity, fuel and Internet services provided by Israel in the hope of, in the words of the International Boycott Israel Movement's mission statement, bringing down the apartheid regime that is Israel by sabotaging its economy via trade boycotts and brand assassinations.
   He went on to explain that in place of water piped in from Israeli water filtration plants, smuggled bottled water would be brought in via Hamas's network of goods smuggling tunnels.
   In place of electricity generated and supplied by Israeli power-generating plants, smuggled kerosene lamps and kerosene would be brought in via similar channels.
   In place of petroleum pumped in and supplied by Israel's oil and gas industry giants, smuggled petroleum and petroleum products and by-products would be brought in via similar channels.
    And in place of Internet services provided by Israeli-controlled telecommunication companies which Israel could completely shut down whenever it pleased, the people of Gaza were advised to move closer to the Gaza-Egypt border where they could tap into wi-fi signals from Egypt, which Palestinians in the West Bank were also advised to do, tap into wi-fi signals from across the border with Jordan, unless overruled by Fatah, the Palestinian authority in the West Bank.

 FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT

1st November 2023 Edition

MALAYSIA FINALLY AWAKENS FROM DEEP DURIAN-INDUCED SLEEP AND JOINS REST OF THE WORLD IN TAKING INTEREST IN WORLD AFFAIRS BEGINNING WITH PALESTINE SOLIDARITY WEEK AT SCHOOL LEVEL

Putrajaya, Monday:- According to unnamed sources inside the hallowed chambers of Parliament House, Malaysia has finally awoken from a deep durian-induced sleep and will now join the rest of the world in taking an interest in world affairs beginning with Palestine Solidarity Week programs organized at school level, programs designed to inculcate in Malaysians beginning at an early age awareness of world affairs beyond the boundaries of their respective towns or villages such that the desire to contribute towards the improvement of the lives of people in unfortunate circumstances wherever they may be found becomes second nature.
    "We Malaysians, as you know, we love to eat, and one of our favorites, the mighty durian, well, after eating a lot of it, it makes us sleepy. Anyway, we are awake now, so let's move on," said one of those unnamed sources.
   "Where were we? Yes, the Palestine Solidarity Week school programs, the first of our aware-of-what's-going-on-in-less-fortunate-parts-of-the-world-and-wanting-to-do-something-about-it Solidarity Week school-level programs," he went on.
   "Wait till you see what's next on the government's 'We Are The World' agenda," he continued.
   "World Hunger Awareness programs, focusing primarily on our starving Moslem brothers and sisters in Yemen, Somalia, and Ethiopia who go to bed at night with empty stomachs while we in Malaysia, we have so much food on our plates, half of it we throw away," he went on.

   "Afghan Girls Belong In School Not In The Kitchen Solidarity Week programs next," he continued, "no explanation needed," he went on, "as the program name will tell you what cause we will be teaching our children to take up as their own next," he continued.
   "And all of these programs organized at school level. No, wait. At all educational institutions including schools," he went on," but such indoctrination should begin at pre-school level, in kindergarten, because at university level, well, it might be a bit too late for students in their late teens or early twenties to pick up good habits like being charitable or compassionate and so on if such concepts had previously been alien to them, but don't quote me on that," he added.

   "Allah-u-Akbar!," he whispered, "but don't quote me on that either," he added, with a mischievous glint in his eye.
   "Oh, and if we find evidence of persecution or ill-treatment of our Moslem brothers and sisters caught up in the Russian-Ukraine conflict, you may be sure we will do something about it, a We Stand With Moslems Caught In The Crossfire In The Donbas Region Solidarity Week program, or something to that effect, but it's all hush-hush for now, you understand, as we do not want to upset our good friends, the Russians, at least not yet," he quipped.
  

 
  

 FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT

8th July 2023 Edition

BIDEN APPROVES SENDING CLUSTER BOMBS TO UKRAINE, VIETNAM WAR SURPLUS NAPALM FLAMETHROWERS FOR TRENCH WARFARE TO FOLLOW NEXT

Washington, D.C., Saturday:- In an unprecedented move, the Biden administration has approved sending cluster bombs, a highly controversial weapon of war whose use has been banned by more than a hundred nations excluding the U.S., Russia and Ukraine, to Ukraine in the belief such munitions might help change the course of the war in Ukraine's favor.

   Also on the cards are sending Vietnam War surplus napalm flamethrowers to assist frontline Ukrainian soldiers in their trench warfare efforts and white phosphorous incendiary bombs for long-rang artillery strikes, weapons of war considered to be equally controversial by international standards that were being pushed around the table in view of, in the words of the Ukrainian military attaché's unnamed assistant here in Washington, D.C., 'putting the fear of God' into Ruskovich's army of invaders', 

   According to our White House correspondent...

   FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT

29th June 2023 Edition

PUTIN GETS PAT ON THE BACK FOR $3 MILLION ISKANDER MISSILE STRIKE KILLING 12 UKRAINIANS, VERY COST EFFECTIVE SAYS HE

Moscow, Wed.:- Vladimir Putin received a standing ovation at the Kremlin for killing 12 Ukrainians with a $3 million Iskander hypersonic missile targeting a pizza restaurant in the eastern Ukrainian city of Kramatorsk believed to be a popular eating joint for military personnel as well.

   "A $3 million missile strike for 12 Ukrainian fatalities is very good odds," he remarked in a victory speech. "This is why we need to increase special operation-related taxes by 500% per person, so that we can kill more Ukrainians with our expensive but deadly weapons," he said, before going around to shake hands amidst getting pats on the back for a job well done.

  FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT

11th June 2023 Edition

PUBLIC BANK SEBERANG JAYA ATM KIOSKS RENDERED INOPERABLE BY HACKERS

Butterworth, Sunday:- In a bizarre case of ATM kiosk hacking of historic proportions, all four ATM kiosks at the Public Bank Seberang Jaya branch on mainland Penang were rendered inoperable allegedly by hackers whose mastermind was believed to be a former Public Bank employee with a laundry list of grudges against the banking giant.
   Believed to have occurred some time between noon and one o'clock in the afternoon today, all four ATM kiosks as well as the two cheque deposit machines at the Seberang Jaya branch of the banking giant were found to have been rendered inoperable, displaying 'Out Of Service' notifications on their screens.
   "I used to think Public Bank was the worst amongst all the various banks here in terms of service, especially on weekends and public holidays," said a bank customer found banging his head against a pillar outside the bank in question, who wished to remain anonymous, "but if hacking is involved," he continued, "I guess you couldn't really blame them for the poor quality of ATM accessibility service Public Bank customers have to suffer through every now and then," he went on. "It's a miracle their customer base hasn't defected to the other banks out of sheer frustration," he finally said.