FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT

8th January 2021 Edition

 

DONALD TRUMP ACCEPTS BLAME FOR CAPITOL HILL RIOTS

 

Washington, D.C., Fri:- In an unexpected twist of events, Donald Trump apologized and took full responsibility for what happened on Capitol Hill on Wednesday, saying although he might have instigated the storming of the Capitol in order to disrupt election result confirmation proceedings in the Senate, he did not mean it literally. Yes, you heard that right, he did not mean it l-i-t-e-r-a-l-l-y.

    When asked to elaborate, he said, quote, "What I intended was for my people to demonstrate in a peaceful and orderly manner outside the gates and let their dissatisfaction be heard. Unfortunately, some ass**** said, 'TROOPS! ALL TOGETHER NOW! CHARGE!', and all hell broke loose. What can I say? Apparently, their emotions got the better of them. I mean, when someone STEALS their votes, when do you expect them to say? Best wishes for the next four years, you bunch of vote-stealing pirates? Good luck with that, y'all.", unquote.