FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT
17th September 2022 Edition
VLADIMIR PUTIN LEARNS ONE OUR FATHER & THREE HAIL MARY'S DO NOT ABSOLVE ONE OF ONE'S SINS ON JUDGEMENT DAY
Unmanned Low Earth Orbit Broadcasting Station, Saturday:- At the Judgment Day court hearings involving the perpetrator of the 2022 Russo-Ukraine War, Vladimir Putin, President of the Russian Federation, was formally charged with high crimes and misdemeanors involving the deaths of more than 100,000 people, civilians as well as military personnel, as a result of the military invasion of Ukraine in 2022 as ordered by him.
"Vladimir Putin. I say unto thee, it is written, 'Thou shall not kill,'' said the Chief Prosecutor, "how do you plead?"
"Well, like everybody else, I don't know about that, but I did make, upon my deathbed, a full confession of all my sins including any wrongs I may have done with regard to that most unfortunate incident in that rebellious Russian-breakaway satellite state called Ukraine, upon which the priest in attendance advised me to say one Our Father and three Hail Mary's for absolution, upon which I did, and upon which he said my sins were forgiven," said the defendant.
"Perhaps your court records were not updated accordingly," he continued, "or perhaps they were but were deleted mysteriously. Who knows what can or cannot be hacked by my worthy opponents, those crafty Americans, whichever side of the sky the location of their intended targets might be. Whatever can be done to smear my good name, they will move earth and sky, sky in this case, to get done. Apparently, they succeeded," he concluded.
"Vladimir Putin, apparently you did not hear me read out the charge to you involving the deaths of more than 100,000 people, civilians as well as military personnel, as a result of the military invasion of Ukraine in 2022 as ordered by you," said the Chief Prosecutor. "Again, I say unto thee," he went on to say, "it is written, 'Thou shall not kill.' How do you plead?"
At this point, the presiding judge intervened and said, "Vladimir Putin, this court does not abide by the laws or by-laws of men or their institutions. This court passes judgment strictly according to the laws and by-laws as laid down by The Most High Almighty God, by which you are hereby judged. You will answer the question without deviating from the subject or be found guilty of contempt and hence be removed from this court for execution of your sentence accordingly. Your typical Russian snake-like-deviationist-truth-distorting ways do not, as they may have done on Earth, work here. Answer the question."
"For the purpose of de-militarizing and de-nazifying what I believed to be a rebellious breakaway Russian satellite state that once brought glory to the Soviet motherland, I did what I had to do," said the defendant. "The casualties, directly as a result of military action or indirectly as a consequence of collateral damage, were most unfortunate, but to be expected in any war," he continued. "And just for the record," he went on to say, "let it be known that I, Vladimir Putin, President of the Russian Federation & Protector Of The Soviet Motherland, do not recognize the validity of this kangaroo court nor its judgements. Go to hell, all of you!" he concluded.
"Vladimir Putin, for the deaths of more than 100,000 people, civilians as well as military personnel, as a result of the military invasion of Ukraine in 2022 as ordered by you," said the Judge., "you have been found guilty as charged. You have also been found guilty of contempt of this court and will be sentenced accordingly," he went on to say. "Next!" said the Judge in conclusion.
"Vladimir Putin. I say unto thee, it is written, 'Thou shall not kill,'' said the Chief Prosecutor, "how do you plead?"
"Well, like everybody else, I don't know about that, but I did make, upon my deathbed, a full confession of all my sins including any wrongs I may have done with regard to that most unfortunate incident in that rebellious Russian-breakaway satellite state called Ukraine, upon which the priest in attendance advised me to say one Our Father and three Hail Mary's for absolution, upon which I did, and upon which he said my sins were forgiven," said the defendant.
"Perhaps your court records were not updated accordingly," he continued, "or perhaps they were but were deleted mysteriously. Who knows what can or cannot be hacked by my worthy opponents, those crafty Americans, whichever side of the sky the location of their intended targets might be. Whatever can be done to smear my good name, they will move earth and sky, sky in this case, to get done. Apparently, they succeeded," he concluded.
"Vladimir Putin, apparently you did not hear me read out the charge to you involving the deaths of more than 100,000 people, civilians as well as military personnel, as a result of the military invasion of Ukraine in 2022 as ordered by you," said the Chief Prosecutor. "Again, I say unto thee," he went on to say, "it is written, 'Thou shall not kill.' How do you plead?"
At this point, the presiding judge intervened and said, "Vladimir Putin, this court does not abide by the laws or by-laws of men or their institutions. This court passes judgment strictly according to the laws and by-laws as laid down by The Most High Almighty God, by which you are hereby judged. You will answer the question without deviating from the subject or be found guilty of contempt and hence be removed from this court for execution of your sentence accordingly. Your typical Russian snake-like-deviationist-truth-distorting ways do not, as they may have done on Earth, work here. Answer the question."
"For the purpose of de-militarizing and de-nazifying what I believed to be a rebellious breakaway Russian satellite state that once brought glory to the Soviet motherland, I did what I had to do," said the defendant. "The casualties, directly as a result of military action or indirectly as a consequence of collateral damage, were most unfortunate, but to be expected in any war," he continued. "And just for the record," he went on to say, "let it be known that I, Vladimir Putin, President of the Russian Federation & Protector Of The Soviet Motherland, do not recognize the validity of this kangaroo court nor its judgements. Go to hell, all of you!" he concluded.
"Vladimir Putin, for the deaths of more than 100,000 people, civilians as well as military personnel, as a result of the military invasion of Ukraine in 2022 as ordered by you," said the Judge., "you have been found guilty as charged. You have also been found guilty of contempt of this court and will be sentenced accordingly," he went on to say. "Next!" said the Judge in conclusion.
