FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT

                     21st May 2023 Edition

MARIUPOL RESIDENTS ERECT PUTIN THE BENEVOLENT SHRINE IN HONOR OF PUTIN FOR REBUILDING A CITY REDUCED TO RUBBLE IN THE WAR

Mariupol, Sunday:- Residents of Mariupol have erected a shrine in honor of Russian president, Vladimir Putin, for rebuilding their city, much of which was reduced to rubble in the war with Ukraine which it was annexed from, a twenty-foot-tall white marble shrine christened Putin The Benevolent and sculptured in the image of the Russian president.
   "We are so grateful to him, even if the modern metropolis Mariupol used to be is beginning to look like a city in the Soviet era with gigantic Soviet-era housing blocks and outdated communal amenities," said a resident who wished not to be identified.
   "At least we have running water, even if it runs only twice a day, once in the morning and once more in the evening, and at least we have lights and heat, even if we have to resort to back-up generators most of the time, but life is definitely better, a thousand times better, than having to sleep in crumbling basements in freezing conditions and stand in line for rations handed out by aid agencies allowed into the city," she continued, "and it's all thanks to the Russian president, bless his benevolent soul, who even came by to inspect the progress being made in the re-building of this once glorious and proud Ukrainian city which Ukraine herself has relinquished to Russia without a fight," she went on, "a city that is in the process of re-inventing itself as Russian with a hint of Stalinistic-era architecture, " she concluded, pleased with her attempt at journalistic reporting.

                              FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT

                                    16th May 2023 Edition

MALAYSIAN AIRLINES PILOT RESPONSIBLE FOR CRASHING PLANE DUE TO MISUNDERSTANDING AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER'S INSTRUCTIONS ADMITS TO CHEATING IN HIS ICAO LEVEL 4 ENGLISH PROFICIENCY EXAM

Jakarta, Tuesday:- In what might possibly be the makings of a scandal for Malaysian Airlines, the pilot of Malaysian Airlines KUL-DPS flight MH007 who crashed his Boeing 737 from Kuala Lumpur while attempting to land at Bali's international airport whose runway had been significantly damaged and rendered inoperable and unusable by an earthquake, when queried as to why he did not do as he was advised by Bali air traffic control to do, which was to re-direct his flight destination to the neighboring international airport at Lombok, admitted he did not understand what Bali air traffic control was saying. 

   When asked to elaborate on what he meant by that, the Malaysian Airlines pilot in the dock, Zahid Johari Zainuddin, pseudonym, a University of Malaya Malay Literature & Linguistics as well as Classical & Modern Bahasa Malaysia double-degree magna cum laude honors graduate, admitted to having cheated in his level 4 ICAO English proficiency exam.

   Amid a collective gasp of incredulity sweeping though the courtroom, counsel for the prosecution, I. Will Nailyoo, himself stunned with disbelief, continued with his cross-examination of the defendant.

   "Pray tell this court and the esteemed members of the jury, Sir, exactly just how such an incredulous feat was accomplished?" he queried.

   "Google Translate. In the written exam, I used Google Translate, in secret, of course. And in the oral exam, or viva voce, I asked a friend, who spoke English rather well too I might add, to impersonate me, which he succeeded in doing rather convincingly well, as there was no way the exam board members had of knowing it wasn't me. No facial recognition scans, no fingerprint or palm print scans, no ID card verification checks, na da, nothing. All my friend, the impersonator, had to do was point out where his name on the attendance checklist was and that was that. The rest, as they say, was history," explained the defendant in a tone that eerily sounded both arrogant and defiant, if not tinged with a sprinkling of pride too as well, all of this explained in his native tongue, Bahasa Malaysia, or Malay, as English he spoke almost not a word, being a proud Malay who despised the Englishman for having humiliated his ancestors by colonizing and lording it over them during colonial times, and who swore upon their ancestral heads, upon which he muttered blessings in Arabic, he would have nothing to do with the Englishman, his ways or his language, a language in which an ICAO Level 4 fluency or proficiency grade was required by international  aviation law for obtaining a pilot's license, and vowed he would live to see the day Malay, or Bahasa Malaysia, finally came to be accepted as one of the official languages of the world, like many of his peers and fellow Malay language proponents at all levels of society on a national scale, from humble fishermen in their boats to high-ranking officials in the Prime Minister's office as well as in the hallowed chambers of Parliament itself, or die in the attempt, no pun intended, of course.

                          FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT

                             5th February 2023 Edition

BEIJING CELEBRATES SUCCESS OF U.S. AIR DEFENSE SYSTEM FLAW EXPOSING TEST BY DEPLOYING WEATHER BALLOON FICTICIOUSLY GONE ADRIFT IN U.S. AIRSPACE

Beijing, Sunday:- "Shooting down a weather balloon suspected of spying on classified military installations five days after being detected has exposed a major flaw in the U.S.'s air defense capabilities," said a Foreign Office official at a press conference at the foreign office in Beijing today, speaking on condition of anonymity, "a major flaw Beijing considers to be a victory for the glorious People's Liberation Army," she went on to say.

   "The wealth of information reaped unhindered over a period of five days by our eye-in-the-sky is not only a victory for our comrades from the intelligence-gathering community," she continued, "the manner in which it was shot down safely out at sea five days after being detected is also a victory for our comrades from the war planning community," she said.

   "Unfortunately, as what I have disclosed to you has been classified as top secret, it is with utmost regret that I, acting on instructions received from our beloved Chairman, am duty-bound to inform you that none of you will be allowed to leave this building until further notice. Your families will be informed of your unexpected detention, and if necessary, they will be taken care of by our comrades from the state welfare community. You will now be escorted from the premises by our comrades from the security community to where you will be transported to your temporary lodgings. As for members of the foreign press, your respective embassies or consulates will be notified accordingly. Thank you for your cooperation," she finally said.
   Meanwhile, over at the department of defense, it was rumored there was talk of, in a war scenario, saturating U.S. airspace with high-altitude combat-capable balloons fitted with surveillance cameras for target coordinates data computing-&-relaying purposes and a low-altitude-detonating high-explosive-capacity device for shootdown situations, but the cloud of secrecy was so dense it was difficult to ascertain if there was any truth to it, and besides, the presence of plainclothes security personnel, after word of what happened at the foreign office press conference leaked out, deterred anyone from venturing further into the investigative reporting void than was advisable.

                              FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORt
                      23rd September 2022 Edition

VLADIMIR PUTIN ORDERS MOBILIZATION OF 300,000 ADDITIONAL ARMY CONSCRIPTS FOR WAR IN UKRAINE TO ADDRESS BODY BAG SHIPMENT ERROR IN EXCESS OF 300,000 UNITS

Moscow, Friday:- In an unexpected turn of events unprecedented since WWII, Russian president Vladimir Putin ordered the mobilization of 300,000 additional army conscripts for the war in Ukraine to address, according to his critics on both sides of the frontlines, a body bag shipment error in excess of 300,000 units delivered to Russian frontline positions by mistake.

Elsewhere, reports of Russian citizens of fighting age fleeing the country by land, sea and air to escape the draft have been flooding in like a tsunami.

Russian authorities have downplayed the reports as being tourism-related in view of the approaching winter season and a distorted world view that Russians were insulated from cold weather by an invisible coating of seal blubber, and in some extreme cases, reptilian genes.

                                 FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT

                                        17th September 2022 Edition

VLADIMIR PUTIN LEARNS ONE OUR FATHER & THREE HAIL MARY'S DO NOT ABSOLVE ONE OF ONE'S SINS ON JUDGEMENT DAY

Unmanned Low Earth Orbit Broadcasting Station, Saturday:- At the Judgment Day court hearings involving the perpetrator of the 2022 Russo-Ukraine War, Vladimir Putin, President of the Russian Federation, was formally charged with high crimes and misdemeanors involving the deaths of more than 100,000 people, civilians as well as military personnel, as a result of the military invasion of Ukraine in 2022 as ordered by him.
   "Vladimir Putin. I say unto thee, it is written, 'Thou shall not kill,'' said the Chief Prosecutor, "how do you plead?"
   "Well, like everybody else, I don't know about that, but I did make, upon my deathbed, a full confession of all my sins including any wrongs I may have done with regard to that most unfortunate incident in that rebellious Russian-breakaway satellite state called Ukraine, upon which the priest in attendance advised me to say one Our Father and three Hail Mary's for absolution, upon which I did, and upon which he said my sins were forgiven," said the defendant. 
   "Perhaps your court records were not updated accordingly," he continued, "or perhaps they were but were deleted mysteriously. Who knows what can or cannot be hacked by my worthy opponents, those crafty Americans, whichever side of the sky the location of their intended targets might be. Whatever can be done to smear my good name, they will move earth and sky, sky in this case, to get done. Apparently, they succeeded," he concluded.
   "Vladimir Putin, apparently you did not hear me read out the charge to you involving the deaths of more than 100,000 people, civilians as well as military personnel, as a result of the military invasion of Ukraine in 2022 as ordered by you," said the Chief Prosecutor.  "Again, I say unto thee," he went on to say, "it is written, 'Thou shall not kill.' How do you plead?"
   At this point, the presiding judge intervened and said, "Vladimir Putin, this court does not abide by the laws or by-laws of men or their institutions. This court passes judgment strictly according to the laws and by-laws as laid down by The Most High Almighty God, by which you are hereby judged. You will answer the question without deviating from the subject or be found guilty of contempt and hence be removed from this court for execution of your sentence accordingly. Your typical Russian snake-like-deviationist-truth-distorting ways do not, as they may have done on Earth, work here. Answer the question."
   "For the purpose of de-militarizing and de-nazifying what I believed to be a rebellious breakaway Russian satellite state that once brought glory to the Soviet motherland, I did what I had to do," said the defendant. "The casualties, directly as a result of military action or indirectly as a consequence of collateral damage, were most unfortunate, but to be expected in any war," he continued. "And just for the record," he went on to say, "let it be known that I, Vladimir Putin, President of the Russian Federation & Protector Of The Soviet Motherland, do not recognize the validity of this kangaroo court nor its judgements. Go to hell, all of you!" he concluded.
   "Vladimir Putin, for the deaths of more than 100,000 people, civilians as well as military personnel, as a result of the military invasion of Ukraine in 2022 as ordered by you," said the Judge., "you have been found guilty as charged. You have also been found guilty of contempt of this court and will be sentenced accordingly," he went on to say. "Next!" said the Judge in conclusion.

                           FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT

                              5th November 2019 Edition

 

MALAYSIAN PM JOKINGLY SAYS BEST TIME TO INVADE IS DURING FESTIVE HOLIDAYS

 

Bangkok, Tues.:- At the recently concluded 34th ASEAN Summit which ended in a gala dinner for all attending heads of state last night, it was reported by unconfirmed sources that Malaysian prime minister, Dr. Mahathir, was overheard as saying to his fellow dinner guests that the best time to invade his home country was during festive holidays, jokingly of course.
   When asked to elaborate further on the subject, according to the same unconfirmed source, he explained that at the stroke of midnight on the eve of any festive holiday, regardless of the occasion and irrespective of the ethnic or religious linkage involved, the night would erupt into a deafening, cataclysmic scene of exploding bombs and volleys of gunfire imitated by firecrackers and fireworks set off or lit up by the festive holiday celebrants concerned, which would make it the best time to launch an armed invasion as no one would be able to tell the difference of the sound of gunfire volleys and exploding bombs imitated or made by firecrackers and fireworks from the real thing until it was too late, jokingly of course.

   Furthermore, he went on to say, according to the same unconfirmed source, the bigger the festive occasion, the better would the timing for such a hypothetical scenario be as more gunfire volleys and exploding bombs would be heard in more places all over the country, hence disguising the sounds of actual gunfire volleys and exploding bombs even better, jokingly of course.

                          FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT

                      10th January 2021 Edition 

 

WHATSAPP SUSPECTED OF MOSSAD DISINFORMATION LINKS  

                                          

Brussels, Sun:- Unconfirmed reports from unverified sources appear to point to WhatsApp, the world's third most popular social networking platform with over 2 billion active users, as being an Israeli spy agency tool for the dissemination of unconfirmed reports from unverified sources in its covert efforts to sow the seeds of disinformation on a global scale, according to an unconfirmed report from an unidentified correspondent from one of our unnamed branch offices.
   When pressed for hard evidence concerning such an outlandish yet serious allegation albeit of such an ambiguous nature, this is what the unidentified correspondent from one of our unnamed branch offices concerned had to say: [quote] "Who owns WhatsApp? Facebook, right? And who owns Facebook? A Jew, right? And whom are Jews loyal to, regardless of nationality? Israel, right?" [unquote]

   When pressed further for evidence linking the Israeli intelligence agency to the outlandish yet serious allegations made albeit of such an ambiguous nature, this is what the unidentified correspondent from one of our unnamed branch offices concerned had to say: [quote] "You think that's bad? Oh boy. Wait till you hear what I heard about Google, the world's foremost website and search engine with over 4 billion active users worldwide and which in turn owns You Tube and the Android OS amongst a host of other acquisitions and, here's the rub, whose owners are Jews as well, and what that might imply ought to be sufficient cause for a lot of sleepless nights for a lot of folks out there, but that's another story, so relax, everyone, it ain't the end of the world, at least not yet it ain't." [unquote]

FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT

8th January 2021 Edition

 

DONALD TRUMP ACCEPTS BLAME FOR CAPITOL HILL RIOTS

 

Washington, D.C., Fri:- In an unexpected twist of events, Donald Trump apologized and took full responsibility for what happened on Capitol Hill on Wednesday, saying although he might have instigated the storming of the Capitol in order to disrupt election result confirmation proceedings in the Senate, he did not mean it literally. Yes, you heard that right, he did not mean it l-i-t-e-r-a-l-l-y.

    When asked to elaborate, he said, quote, "What I intended was for my people to demonstrate in a peaceful and orderly manner outside the gates and let their dissatisfaction be heard. Unfortunately, some ass**** said, 'TROOPS! ALL TOGETHER NOW! CHARGE!', and all hell broke loose. What can I say? Apparently, their emotions got the better of them. I mean, when someone STEALS their votes, when do you expect them to say? Best wishes for the next four years, you bunch of vote-stealing pirates? Good luck with that, y'all.", unquote.

                FAKE NEWS DAILY REPORT

                                 24th March 2014 Edition

MISSING PLANE MAKES EMERGENCY LANDING IN INDIAN OCEAN, PLANE INTACT & EVERYONE SAFE, PILOT SAYS HE DID IT IN PROTEST OF GOVT'S PROSECUTION OF OPPOSITION LEADER ANWAR IBRAHIM

Kuala Lumpur:- Long hours of flight simulator time has apparently paid off for the pilot who safely crash-landed his Boeing 777 in the Indian Ocean after running out of fuel, according to an unnamed source at the heart of ongoing investigations into the mysterious disappearance of Malaysia Airlines flight MH370.

Not only did he manage to crash-land it in one piece, so did everyone on board survive the crash-landing in one piece as well, further testifying to his exceptional aviation skills.

Even more astonishing was the complete lack of animosity of the passengers and crew towards the pilot whom they even cheered the moment he safely crash-landed the plane in the ocean.

"Whatever his crimes and regardless of the inconvenience and anguish suffered by us and our families respectively on account of him, we are behind him in this matter as the whole world knows how lopsided his country's politics are," said one of the passengers.

"I apologize to my passengers and crew and their families for the inconvenience and anxiety they have suffered and I am ready to go to jail for my actions, but let the whole world know how disgusted I am with how lopsided my country's politics are. Allah-u-Akbar!" said the pilot to his rescuers.